Retrospect!

I have been thinking about a lot of things latly! Mostly about love and getting married and all that! I talked to Brian for the past couple of days and I have noticed that my view is a little weird! It seems to me like it should be like a movie all romance and swooning but I know thats not true at the same time! *sigh* I think of the times I have said this isn't what I want because I want something else but then not really regret it but wounder what would have happened if... I hate that word if! If this and if that! If I had stayed with.... if I had done better in.... if I hadn't of said.... if seems so pointless!

But the fact is that if is a natural way to rationlize things! To make it seem better. But when I think about all my if's they arn't to say that anything would be better just differnet. I don't regret any decition I have ever mayed but would love to know how things would have turned out. That is why I am taking a bigger stand on love. Then I think about God and how he controls all this and think about how my parents have raised me. God will bring it to us.... when God gives us this it will be better.... God will provide everything for you.... but if you just wait for God to do everything your life won't go anywhere. All this comes down to me being more forward with feeling in love. I will not seek it but when I have it in my sites watch out.

Why do we make the decitions we do? Is it our nature or is there a higher power that knows the decition we are going to make? We have freewill but if all is pre ordaned by God then we must be ment for something and God will not just bring us to it. We need to grab it and take it. This is something I have been working on for a while.

Love is expansive. It takes my breath away. The way I want it and watch it. My heart pounds for you love. My love reaches, cry's, yell's for you love. The deep well of unemaganable passion streams from my fingers tword you. Everything I am is love but there is not place to put such things. I want to explode for you love. Take you always. I would die for you love. I would live for you. Take my time for you. Do everything for you love. But why have you forgotten me love. Everywher I look you are there but not for me. I jump for you. Have thoughts for you. Everything for you. But when will you be there for me. You have touched me and sent love through me but then taken it away. Why?

Anyway I thought I would share it. Better go to bed now! Hannah

Been a while!

So its been a while since I posted! I have been feeling really tired all the time! Sleeping 12 or more hours at a time and needing to stay in bed all day. I would try to do things but got so tired I would lay down and fall asleep. Then on my monthly visit I keep getting really sick and throw up for about a day! Its happened two months in a row! I am now feeling a bit better and can stay on the comp for more then a few minets. I have been having a really rough time and just plain don't feel well. But I am still trying to get a job and plan to go to PetSmart tomarow to set up an interview. I have also been thinking about Grandma! She is all alone up there and I feel like someone should be with her just in case! *sigh* This has been bugging me for like 3 days and is eating away at me! But I need to get a job and pay off some things and then save for a car then I can think of moving! That is my plan and I really want to stick to it! Hopefully I won't get sick again for a really long time!

Crazy People!

I am so sick of some people! They are so rude and inconciderate of others feelings! Last night I got a txt at 11:02 from a girl named Jamie! She is the kinda girlfriend of one of my really good friends Steve. Well it was telling me to pick up my cat(which is at Steves) and that she think Steve likes me and that I should just take him. Then she goes off on how me and Steve and I should be happy together. Then gripes about Steve not appriciating going out and drinking! Then she is like if you don't come get your cat I am going to let it loose! :O I was in shock! I told her to stop txting me! Fine I just let your cat out! Then she starts to say that Steve will never pay me back and that he hates me and that she let my cat out! I finally told her that if she keeps threatning me and my cat that I would show up to her custudy hearing for her son and testify aginst her plus I could call the cops for threatning me and have her taken in on animal cruelty. She finally was like Steve dosn't care and I don't either and I just let your cat outside! Then nothing! I was really worried that she may have done something and couldn't sleep. But around 2am I was starting to get sleepy and then another txt comes through! Your cat is in the rain and Steve hates you now! I wanted to break down crying and I was shaking with anger! I know none of what she says is true because Steve would never do that but why would she even say it? I can't believe that there are people out there like her! So I couldn't sleep and when mom and dad got up at 5am I was in the kitchen eating some cheese! What a night!

New Year!

So the new year is almost here! Its sad but sweet! I really wish I could be with my friends in Portland tonight celebrating but I am going to be home alone tonight at midnight probly watching a movie or something! I have this desire to be somewhere I can't be right now and my heart cry's. So many things run through my head but I know I need to be here right now and I need to except that! I just hope I can do that for the next 7 months or so till I can get into PSU! Wish me luck in the new year! Happy New Year!

?!?

Well I had an interesting day yesterday! I was talking to two people yesterday and things happened really weird! I was talking to Joe because I was just seeing if he was ok and to tell him I had a dream about him. I think I will leave him alone for a while cuse he seems really hostile. The other person was Brian and it was crazy! He invited me to a New Years Eve party! And told me that he would love to do the old trdition of kissing at midnight! :) Total shock to me! Now that he isn't my boss he has come out that he wants us to get to know each other better!!!! Only one problem! I'm not in Portland!!!! So sad! I told him I would come but I was in Medford!!! So frustrating. My longing for Portland is so high now! I wish I could just be there and have what I want but I know that I have to work hard to get that and it might take a while but I will get there!

Just board!

So today I am going to church with mom and dad is going to pick grandma up from calli. Not much happening though so just wanted to say hi and happy almost New Years!

Christmas!

So christmas went good and I am happy about that. christmas eve I wasn't feeling very in the spirt but the day came and I did well. I only got a couple of things which is good for me. They were exactly what I wanted. I also got a gift card and scrach-it's (ode to dad) and we had fun scratching those. I made coffee cake and then we opened presents! We cooked the turky and played games till that was done. We relaxed the rest of the day and it was really nice. Now me and dad are driving to Eugene to sleep there so we can drive to Portland for the family Christams party. Can't wait to see everyone and eat well. LOL